The mind doodles of Golgotha_tramp

Ghosts

2006-05-21T13:30:00.000Z

Ghosts are a funny thing.

I've never been afraid of ghosts before, I've never had time. I've always been to busy with my life, with what I'm doing to think about others that have gone before me. But just recently I've heard the chains shaking in the night, the moaning in a silent room.

I've always believed that thinking about ghosts is a reflection on you, nothing wrong nothing to fear, right? So why do these haunt me? Why do some people refuse to stay dead? I've not gone looking for them; I've not felt them important to my life. These aren't my ghosts, I have dealt with mine. I got out the holy water and shook it about, got the young priest, the old priest, the ambient music and shown them the door. Sure some came back (a ghost loves a delayed sequel, you know the "five years later when she thought it was safe.....") but I chucked them right out on their ears again, I'd moved on and they should have too and if they hadn't it's too bad. No, these aren't my ghosts, if they were it'd be easy "lather rinse repeat" change the locks, click my heels and tell them to run and jump. These are someone else’s but like all naughty poltergeists they like to latch on to their quarries affection. So here I am a boogey woman under the bed, pulling faces in my mirror, scraping branches against my window.

How do you tell someone you love to get rid of their ghosts? Especially when they deny they have them. Why is it that someone who's gone's feelings are more important then mine?

to my silent reader...

2006-05-11T08:11:00.000Z

I've been thinking of you,
you can see that.
somehow penetrating my thoughts
since that serendipitous reunion.

Making the world fade away
just like you always could.
A world that's me and you
of stolen moments and unspoken wishes

Only now the door is open
and nothing holds us back

I love you.

Men's clothing - The allure of pheromones.

2006-04-03T13:55:00.000Z

So, I'm a big clothes stealer. I always have been it's something that I do. Like dogs sniff each others behinds, I swap clothes. I have this feeling about clothes sharing, it's a very personal thing and it means a great deal to me when someone gives me a jumper / t shirt to wear. This ritual happens with many of my friends but the prize of prize, for me, is a man's jumper.

Firstly there big! I'm quite tall for a girl and have been told that I have swimmers shoulders, so it's not that often that I feel small. But in a man's jumper you always feel tiny, the sleeves come down to your fingers and the waist is down by your bum. It's a great feeling, swamped in a big warm jumper! Secondly, they smell of man. Men smell great, I don't care what people day about being sweaty or smelly or anything else, Men smell fantastic! obviously I'm not talking about all men but if you are sharing a jumper with a man chances are he's not a stranger. I'm perfectly aware that my response to a man's smell is my body telling me to mate with him, I know this. Our bodies are designed to send out signals to attract the right sort of genes to make beautiful babies, all I can say is hurrah for science! There's nothing as great as the smell of a man. I'm not talking about aftershave or body spray, those things smell nice for sure. I love the actual smell of a man, the smell you get when you get up close to them!

Men's jumpers are a hug that lasts all day, a feeling of warmth, longing and love and I love it to bits!

Tortured Artist?

2006-03-23T17:06:00.000Z

So,

I'm feeling a little stumped on my old blog at present, I suppose you can tell due to the severe lack of updating. Believe me it's not that I don't want to, it's a can't.

I have an issue that when I'm really, really happy I lose what little skill I have. It's happened for years and has lead me to believe that I really should be A "tortured artist." I'm not saying if you stuck thumb screws on me I'd give you tales that took you to the Highs and Lows of emotion, or that if I was dunked into scolding hot water I would produce images of heaven so real you could cry. What I am saying is If I was a little more unhappy I could at least draw and think of something to write.

I know, I know, I'm really ungrateful, yes. I accept that being happy is consolation ten fold for a creative block, but I ask myself....is it really? I mean when I'm old and grey I want to look back and say "this is my work", "this was my passion" and though the pages may turn yellow and the colours fade they will be as vivid in my mind as the day I gave birth to them, these children of my mind, piece after piece of my life, my love, my hate, my sanity, my insanity, all folded away in a portfolio somewhere waiting to be re-hydrated with memory.

The simple pleasures

2006-03-09T15:38:00.000Z

I have found in the last week due to my hectic double life that some of the simplest things I do have become more poignant and cherished to me. I wondered if any one else enjoys simple pleasure, if so what are they.

a few of mine are

Reading a book in a coffee shop (spent an hour last night in Cafe Nero with "written on the body", a cafe latte and a pack of Malboros.)

Listening to my favourite CDs while on the bus ( the stipulations being it must be a window seat and a long journey.)

Listening to Radio 2 underwater in the bath.

Waking up before the alarm and watching the day creep into your room.

Staying up all night talking about everything and nothing.

Sitting in your room at 4am when the whole worlds asleep thinking.

Just listening to an album and doing nothing (how many times do you put on music and cook, or clean, or draw? I love just listening to my music alone, on my bed, in my brick womb)

Just a though...

Trade up or sell out?

2006-02-28T13:14:00.000Z

I feel super bad as I haven't blogged for a while but things have been pretty hectic over here. I've just been spending a lot of time catching up with someone from my past. I suppose it's really easy to forget your obligations (whether imposed by others or by yourself) when you are having fun.

I feel like I'm stuck in two separate worlds at the moment. One where I'm the normal average everyday me and the other where I get to do what I want and be crazy and not give a damn! It feels great but it also is unnerving. I don't know what I'm doing and I'm not sure I'm even thinking about it.

The problem is that the fun and crazy world is all too finite, a carefree attitude can only last as long as you are carefree. The world where you can do what you want when you want and not have to think about tomorrow. Where there's no such thing as tomorrow, just a everlasting string of right nows. But just as the dawn creeps slowly over the horizon turning night to day so does the realization that it's time to go and live in the real world again. Just as quickly as the fairy tale is created the clock strikes twelve and Cinders is back on her knees scrubbing in the grime. Does growing up mean growing out of living for the moment? does it mean we replace excitement with stability, Fun for Feasible and dare I say it passion for comfort?

Isn't it funny how life throws these curve balls?

One Day Only : Love, devotion and a cheap box of chocs!

2006-02-13T11:33:00.000Z

The Valentine bug is almost upon us. I can honestly say that although I am a hopeless romantic and there's nothing I like more them smooches and cuggles that Valentines day is pretty sickening.

I am all for romantic gestures, showing someone you care. My boyfriend and I often come home with a little something for the other 'just because' and It's sweet, it makes you happy that your partner is thinking of you. But to make a day where everybody in a relationship feel obliged to do it is stupid. There really is no meaning behind the 'gestures' that Valentines day generates. A over handled box of chocolates and slightly wilted roses, an all too predictable valentines card filled with the usual hallmark sentiment are the usual suspects but your beau may be feeling adventurous and go for the grand gesture....Dinner.

I have had the misfortune of being taken out to dinner Valentines day, let me put it plainly....it sucked. My boyfriend of the time booked a table in a nice restaurant in London where that I had been hanging my nose over for a while, this little bistro boasted sweet secluded tables with delicate lighting and ambient enough to melt the hardest heart, so as you can imagine it had a price tag to break the biggest bank. I won't lie, I was amazingly chuffed to be told to get my glad rags on for an evening of culinary delights. But the thrill soon wore off, we may as well have gone to Macdonald's! The 20 or so tables and somehow bred filling the restaurant so full waiters were struggling to move between them, the place was as hot as a sauna and smelt just as bad and the beautiful soft music that used to play had been replaced with someone crooning heartbreak classics as 'you look wonderful tonight' and 'lady in red.' I was horrified! my little piece of heaven was officially hell!

Needless to say I have never gone out for Valentines since and I don't think I ever will. My Boyfriend and I have no intentions of doing anything out of the ordinary, We plan to spend the evening at home with dinner, wine and the sofa. Although I may let him pick the film, just this once.

Your Friend or mine?

2006-02-08T14:02:00.000Z

After a recent experience I have realised that some people for whatever reason are very protective of friends.

Now I don't mean standing up for them if someone bad-mouths them or worrying that they will get hurt when they start dating a new man (we all do that) I mean want to keep them to themselves, never to share.

I found this very strange as I have never really been like this. To me a getting a new friend is like finding a cute new bag, next time I'm out with my friends I want to bring them along and show everyone how cute they are and I take great pleasure in someone telling me my new pal is nice. I spend my time telling new people "just wait until you meet so-and-so, they'll adore you I can tell" I love to think that the people I love the most love each other.

I was thinking about this more as tonight I am out with two of my friends, one who I have known for nearly two years and another who I have known for about a year. I got them talking together and they are now dating. I really enjoy the fact that two people I care about have found some joy with each other and enjoy them both as individuals and a couple. I sometimes wonder if I had been a protective friend would I be happy? Would I be bitter that my male friend wasn't desperately in love with me and not my female friend? Would I have been angry at my female friend for using me to get to some totty? would I be angry at them both for finding someone to bring joy to their lives other then me?

5 things Meme

2006-02-01T16:26:00.000Z

Ultimate Blogger (linky on the right) has tagged me for the 5 Things Meme.

Instructions:
Remove the blog in the top spot from the following list and bump everyone up one place. Then add your blog to the bottom slot, like so.

1) BrightStar
2) Seeking Solace
3) Kiss My Mike
4) Ultimate Writer
5) Golgotha_Tramp

Next select five people to tag:
1) Frankengirl
2) Miss Emerald ace
3)RocketBootKid
4) MysticGypsy
5) KevinShiu

What were you doing 10 years ago?
At school working super duper hard before I became disillusioned

What were you doing 1 year ago?
I just moved to Nottingham and was going out getting drunk most nights

Five snacks you enjoy:
1) Marshmallows
2) Ramen
3) nachos
4) Hob nobs
5) Loaded potato skins

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:
1) Dope Show (Marilyn Manson)
2) Boy named Sue (Johnny Cash)
3) Weird Beard (Mad Caddies)
4) You'll bring honor to us all (Disney's Mulan)
5) Closer (Nine Inch Nails)

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:
1) Get a House (mortgage only)
2) Work for an animal shelter
3) Buy kick ass new wardrobe with matching shoes for every outfit
4) Take my B/F away traveling (especially Japan and Thailand)
5) Go on a catering course

Five bad habits:
1) criticizing peoples bad taste in films
2) criticizing people bad taste in music
3) Fussing over people
4) Eating chilies!!!!
5) Poking my B/F

Five things you like doing:
1) Poking my B/F (and not in a rude way)
2) Cooking
3) Dancing
4) Singing
5) staring out the window on the bus

Five things you would never wear again:
1) a romper (bit too old)
2) a silk shirt
3) a Ski suit
4) Doc Martins
5) any thing that's Tie-dyed

Five favorite toys:
1) My Pink Puffalump called Sophie
2) PS2
3) Poi
4) Twister
5) Jenga (esp. Giant Jenga)

The call centre.

2006-02-01T10:38:00.000Z

'Can I help you?' in tones so dull
You'd almost think they're dead'
What's the reference number please,
Or use your name instead'

The mantra of the operative
who boast a huge degree
who didn't want an office job,
to conform like you and me

See them sneer at suits and ties
in Baggy jeans and belt
in mini skirts and stiletto heels
both thin and not-so svelte

What's with the animosity?
why be stubborn as a mule
why not agree to fix my screen
instead my rage you fuel

'Just do your job!' I yell at them
and still they do not budge.
I worked a there too, a year ago,
so why d'you hold a grudge?

I know the pay is really low
and the boredom is a killer
but the job has little skill
and is really just a filler

I just spent half an hour on the phone to the IT call centre in my office and it inspired me to write about my frustration. Why is it that there's always some surly person in a call centre that just wants to be difficult? then when you say that you want to raise a complaint they get all "oh no, there's no need for that. I can sort this out now for you." Why should I have to get arsey to get results?

Goths, bad hair, worse clothes and 'back to the future'

2006-01-24T16:36:00.000Z

It's nearly my birthday.

I decided to put this in not because I am excited or wanting people to gush over how big I've got, it's just a fact.

Back, back way back 21 years ago I was born, 'I wanna know what love is' was the UK number one and Transformers was the must have toy. It's quite sad really I'm no longer thrilled by the countdown to my birthday I've even got to the point where my parents are giving me an 'I owe you' for my Birthday present as the prospect of hunting out something chills me to the bone.

I've hit the realisation that age is catching up with me, I've even started a list of things I will now have to do including exercise regularly, cleanse, tone and moisturise daily and other such boring things. I was also sad enough to weigh up how much I would pay for a good pair of trousers. Sad I know but let's face it, what wouldn't you give for a good pair of pants? I decided to go on the hunt, I went to cheap and cheerful and all the way up and lo and behold I found them! I won't fool you, they didn't make me into something I'm not but man, they were good.....until I saw the price tag! £67 (that's a staggering $120!) it was shocking these weren't sewn by purple unicorns, they weren't made of spider's webs or designed by Jesus they were just a pair of kecks! I umm and ahh over buying a pack of Jelly belly as they are expensive over here so how could I buy these trousers? so I didn't and now I'm sitting here thinking that maybe, just maybe I could get them as a birthday present......

So lazy! Bad Tramp!

2006-01-09T16:01:00.000Z

Well I'm back from Christmas. I am now tired and slightly more portly then before I left.

It's embarrassing when for the first day of work you make sure that your loosest fitting trousers are around so you can squeeze into them and kid yourself you haven't gained any weight knowing full well that were you to attempt to put any other pair on they would burst at the seams. I am however working to combat this already, I have already been swimming and kick boxing last week and will be keeping it up (honest!)

So Christmas was good, I received lots of gifts that were on my wish list and I few that I didn't even know existed. I received lots of art stuff so must really get back into the swing of working but the prize of Christmas had to be the original artwork by Ross Campbell that my boyfriend got me. I adore his Comic 'Wet Moon' and have bored the pants of my honey about how much I love the story, How much I love the Characters and how much I love the artwork, I think I bugged him so much he bought it to shut me up. I spent the back end of my Christmas holiday over at his house and to tell the truth I think I got far too comfortable at his house.

But I'm now back in my shared house and I just can't bring myself to tidy my room. It is full of debris from fleeting visits (you know the ones, you come in throw down your subway wrapper and find your good pants. You run in dump your washing and raid your wardrobe for that nice dress you haven't wore in ages.) It is in desperate need of what my mother used to call 'a good dit,' but I am lazy and have so many new things to play with that there is no time. I've had so little time I'm a week late with the blog, I will post this now though and will hopefully get back into the swing of things.

wha?....wha?....I can't hear you?

2005-12-16T14:49:00.000Z

Well I'm in a little bubble of my own today due to temporary deafness.

Yesterday my plucky sister (ain't she a doll?) rang me to let me know that Skindred were playing a local pub and Mug that I am I decided to go. I had an amazing time as I knew I would, but the price was high. The plucky things that we are we darted to the safety barrier and stayed there the whole night. We sat through (or should I say stood through) two support band both good although the second had major tech problems. So Skindred came on and proceeded to make the place go crazy, I can honestly say I've never seen a crowed so involved in a gig. I left in a post euphoric trance, stumbled to bed and slept like a soldier after a hard, bloody but victorious battle.

This morning I ached, I ached in places I didn't know ached. Now believe me, I've been to the gym I've had a hard work-out, a swim and finished off with a stretch and tone and you ache, you do. But this was the ache of true exercise, not the artificial man-made exertion created to mimic real work. If you've ever dug a flower bed or broken rocks for a rockery you will under stand what I mean, it's a completely different feeling. An evening of being in the front of a pit had taken it's toll. I have a bruises running up my back, bruises on each elbow, no skin on my right arm due to a guy with the scrathiest top in history and the muscles in my biceps, triceps, Quads, and hamstrings throb like they are on fire. All of this is nothing, doesn't worry me as I am in my fug of deafness (although it is getting through the day!)

Lack of sleep and holidays

2005-12-13T10:21:00.000Z

Well,

I'm thoroughly ashamed of myself for not writing in my blog for so long but I have been super busy!

I've just moved office at work and have had to find out where my *new* closest and nicest coffee machine, chocolate machine and toilet is. I hate moving office, it always makes you think about how great your previous arrangements were.

these last few weeks I've been so tired, no matter what time I go to bed I toss and turn and just can't get to sleep. I can't decide if I'm too hot or too cold, if it's too light or too dark I've tried them all and none seem to get me a better nights sleep. the only good sleep I get is between 6.20 when my first alarm goes off and 7.30 when I force myself out of bed. I'm sure I'm being tortured for something, I've always been a bad sleeper but I've never been for more then a week without one good sleep. If things carry on this way I can see myself falling asleep at my desk, drooling slightly on my keyboard.

Christmas is nearly, nearly here! It's peeking over the horizon like a child over a fence, cheeky little grin on it's face and rosy cheeks from the cold! I've managed to get a whole week off for Christmas for once which is shocking I'm usually working right up to it and back in as soon as the bank holidays are over. I'm really looking forward to it though as I can spend half of the week with my folks and the other with my B/F.

Ahh bless Christmas how lovely it is and how great that I can stretch it out to a whole week!

World AIDS Day

2005-12-01T13:42:00.000Z

It's World AIDS day and I would like to offer my thoughts and love to anyone who's life has been touched by AIDS or HIV. I also want to encourage everyone who reads this to help educate about the necessity of protection against AIDS and HIV and to help wipe out prejudice and hate against those who are suffering.

No snow....

2005-11-29T14:50:00.000Z

Well it didn't snow, we had a flurry yesterday but it was nothing spectacular and didn't even settle.

I've had my hair dyed to my winter coat a lovely colour called 'bitter chocolate.' It's beautiful and makes my hair look amazingly shiny, I feel like Betty Page! Suddenly I'm being inundated with compliments about my appearance, who'd have thought that a simple dye job could have that much effect. I've also decided my outfit for my b/f Christmas party, one to really shock the girls on his team.

See the problem is all the girls in his team are bitches. Actually let me correct that, they are loving, dedicated, swooning, attentive girl to men to women they are bitches. strangely enough I don't have time for girls like that, life's hard enough without contending with women who hate you simply because you are like them. It's like watching a tank of Japanese fighting fish; lovely and elegant swooping gracefully around there surroundings until they spot a rival and then the grace and elegance is gone, the claws are out and it's show time.

The problem is I remember these girls from my school days, sure they aren't the same girls who tried to belittle me back then the names are different and so are the faces but deep down it's the same putrid soul. The problem I have is that I don't fit, I don't wear fashionable clothes or fashionable shoes or anything, if you saw me walk down the street you'd probably call me a Goth (but I don't believe in labelling by such generic terms.) So what happens to me is worse then them fighting between themselves, they all pick on me. The tragic thing is they still think they are in school and that I'll cry and run home, they don't realise how pathetic they all look in their 'genuine imitation Gucci dress' and their 'genuine Diamante necklace' all wearing the same only in a different colour sipping there bubbly out of a bottle with a straw and tottering over to someone who 'looks like he's got a bit of cash to throw around.' I kid you not people, these are the girls who somehow stagger into your birthday celebrations eat the food, grab a bottle of Bubbly kiss your bloke and drag themselves out again.

So hopefully my dreams of snow will come true at some point this week or I won't be happy.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

2005-11-24T11:27:00.000Z

Well the local weather report is saying it'll snow this weekend so I am really happy. I've also nearly finished all my Christmas shopping and will have the fun of wrapping. I feel like I've missed out a little though as I've cheated and done some of my shopping on-line.

Now don't get me wrong I don't enjoy being shoved and pushed in a tiny store, nor do I like the bruises from women who consider a pram as a form of battering ram and not a object to ease the transportation of children. I suppose that for me part of the fun is strolling around and looking at things and enjoying the time. The problem with a lot of people is they are far too concerned is getting all there shopping done in half an hour (because obviously the store will have run out of lavender foot cream by ten o'clock and you know how Aunty Mabel loves it) and less concerned in enjoying the experience.

I have my final shop on Saturday though and nothing would make it more special then a light dusting of snow on the ground and little snow flakes falling from the sky. Then coming home and hanging my trousers up to dry (ah the capillary action of cords) and having a cup of fruit tea before I'm back out to see my b/f, snuggling up on the sofa watching some old movies with Chinese take-away and then maybe having a walk when it gets dark.

Man I love winter!

Too much cake makes for a philosophical Tramp

2005-11-18T14:08:00.000Z

No blog for a while, I've been ill in bed with a throat infection.

I'm back now in full force (or as much force as I usually have.) I'm feeling quite touched as I have found that my blog has been linked by Frankengirl. So I thought I'd dedicate this post to her. Should you have managed to stumble into my world before hers then I suggest you go and visit her as her writing is has the feeling of both age and youth with intellect and emotion all wrapped up in beautiful prose.

Today is children in need day and I'm at work tucking in to my 4th cake from a cake sale. I'm starting to feel amazingly sick but I keep eating as 'it is for charity' as my colleagues keep telling me.

So while I'm munching away I thought I'd put an entry in my blog and what I wanted to talk about was chivalry. Now If you are a woman you are probably well aware of this word and thousands of images of men on white chargers and laying there cloak down for you have come swarming into your brain. Maybe you are a bit more of a realist and have images of a man showing you to your seat in a restaurant or holding a door open for you. Or maybe you are an actualist and are thinking 'yeah right.' But finally maybe your a man and have no idea what this word means or the relevance it has in your life.

Now I am not talking about any of these chivalrous acts as although having a door held open for me is nice I wouldn't be disgusted if a man didn't do it but I do think that since the unspoken abolishment of chivalry women have got a pretty raw deal. Man and Woman are two very different structures and as a whole men are stronger bigger and more robust, why then must this point be exaggerated?

My biggest gripe is men who imagine themselves to have an impossibly large member when seating themselves, I regularly use public transport and when sitting with many of my male friends have had no trouble whatsoever fitting two of us on a seat. Why then am I often forced right to the edge of a seat (barely one cheek on) by some man who believes that he is carrying two coconuts and a baguette between his legs? these men sprawl themselves wide on their seat with legs so far apart they could be straddling an imaginary pony. Gentlemen if you are reading this and are guilty of doing this let me shatter some illusions the bust blonde sitting next to you on the bus/train/tube who keeps looking at you is not admiring you, she is simply laughing at the fact you think you are that big. The other big problem I have is with men who shove their way past women to get on busses/ to the till/ in a shop/ in the lift first. Surprisingly we know that you are bigger and stronger then us but also surprisingly we will do our damnedest to make sure you don't get ahead of us.

I wonder sometimes where this world is going? kids who scare adults, men who have no respect for women, women who have no respect for themselves. I'm sure it wasn't always like this, or maybe as I get older I become less romantic about the world around me.

Winter activities here we come!

2005-11-11T14:04:00.000Z

I'm in a fairly chipper mood today as I'm going ice-skating this weekend, I haven't been in years so I'm really excited it will make me feel so Christmasey. I also officially start Christmas shopping tomorrow and I can't wait. I love the whole ritual of Christmas shopping, getting into town early and scouring the shops for bits and bobs that people will like, getting to put on my nice long scarf (that I finally completed after two months of knitting,) a warm coat and my fingerless gloves with mitten attachment. I love having bags of goodies and then going to Starbucks for their Christmas coffee. Once there I can snuggle into a big, comfy seat and look at what I have bought thinking about what this years wrapping scheme will be. Then finally off to Hobbycraft for my wrapping paraphernalia and stuff to make my Christmas cards. Then it's off home, I make myself a cup of tea and start wrapping my pressies and making my Christmas cards, find a good hiding place for them and stash them.

Some people wonder why I start this early. I find that if I do it all now I can save more money before Christmas and get people more if I want instead of trying to buy everyones on a budget. Plus it means that when New year comes around I'm not too poor.

I can't wait for Christmas, it's already seeming wintery outside I'm lucky as I have a nice sort of wilderness outside my house so I can sit and look out my window at it and feel like I'm miles away from anyone else. There's something about winter that makes me happy, the world seems magical somehow all tipped with frost and that bite of cold in the air.

Rapier wit...on a shirt

2005-11-01T11:27:00.000Z

This weekend I've been so busy. I've been helping my B/F with his new house which has been stressful mostly because It means that all our time is spent facing opposing walls and stripping (the boring wallpaper kind not the good kind.)

I've also turned into agony aunt extraordinaire as everyone seems to have a problem that only I can solve, funny how when it's the other way around no one feels qualified. But it made me wonder why some people are good at giving advice and others aren't, moreover why if I give such good advice can't I advise myself.

It's like clothes, I can go and pick a wardrobe for a friend and every item will be stunning on them. When I go shopping I wander around aimlessly and end up on the net buying 3 new 'penny arcade' t-shirts, I mean they're great but c'mon it's not my wit on the shirt. That's like an ugly woman wearing a pretty dress, it doesn't make her pretty it just makes her and ugly woman in a pretty dress. Reading Oscar Wilde and having witty quips on my t-shirt doesn't make me a Dandy with rapier wit, it just makes other geeks chuckle and everyone else stare blankly, so integrating into society is going well (no wonder I can't relate to anyone.)